4 Things That Ruin Relationships at Work and at Home
Did you know that 69% of conflicts between people never get resolved. But that doesn't mean the relationship should end. Find out what you can do to save a friendship, partnership or marriage.
I can’t tell you how many times over the years I’ve heard people say that good communication is one of the most important aspects of any successful relationship. I agree, but defining what that means in terms of specific behaviors is often a struggle. People have a hard time naming traits that make someone a good communicator. Listening and asking open-ended questions are usually mentioned.
There are also things we should not do. These are behaviors that can kill communication and ruin relationships, whether it’s with a co-worker, spouse, teenager, mother-in-law, customer, constituent or team member.
Results from Relationship Research
Dr. Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the Man’s Guide to Women and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child wanted to see if there were patterns of behavior that could identify the happy from unhappy. And there were! He and Dr. Julie Gottman identified four main traits that ruin relationships. He called them the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Four behaviors that can ruin relationships include:
Criticism: judgment; telling someone your opinion of what’s wrong with them
Defensiveness: an instinctive reaction when we feel threatened; a coping strategy where we attack another person to shift focus away from our own faults and insecurities
Stonewalling: a refusal to communicate or cooperate; avoiding contact and engagement; withholding affection
Contempt: scorn; disgust; disdain; rolling of the eyes; sarcasm; a feeling that someone is not worthy of respect or approval (this trait is the most destructive of the four)
By identifying these four negative behavioral styles, Drs. Gottman were able to predict which relationships would succeed and those that would end in divorce 5.6 years on average after the wedding. Their rate of accuracy was over 90%.
“At any given moment, you have the power to say: this is not how the story is going to end.” —Christine Mason Miller, author
3 Ways to Avoid Ruining Relationships
In addition to avoiding the destructive behaviors mentioned above, there are things we can do to create and maintain successful relationships. Here are a few:
1. Rather than criticize, learn how to make constructive complaints. This shifts the emphasis from “There’s something wrong with you” to “I have a concern that’s impacting me.”
2. Partners who try to smooth things over will often make “bids” for connection. These are small ways of reaching out to the other person in an effort to resolve the disagreement. When these bids are ignored, it leads to withdrawal and a sense of rejection. Apathy can set in when bids are repeatedly rebuffed.
3. Gottman’s research showed that 69% of relationship problems never get resolved. These issues may come up repeatedly, but that doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. What matters more is how we handle conflict. To cope with these difficult discussions, find ways to improve your friendship and learn better conflict management skills. You may not ever resolve the big issues, but you’ll gain more satisfaction from the relationship which can offset the struggles.
To summarize, if you avoid the destructive behaviors Gottman identified and work to improve the relationship in other ways, you will have more success. And again, it doesn’t matter whether you’re dealing with a personal or professional relationship. Interpersonal problems don’t just exist at home OR at work.
Ask yourself, is this relationship worth a little more effort on my part? Is it worth saving?